Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
