Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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