True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
