i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
