You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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