I molested 6 butterflies tonight
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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