fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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