Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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