I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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