I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
