The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
