I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
