he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
