My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
