yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
