Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
