Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
