Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
