bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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