He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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