I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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