I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
