i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
love makes seman taste better
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
