Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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