she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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