know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
