Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
