I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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