guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
