Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
