i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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