I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want to be your penis for a week.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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