I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
