well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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