So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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