You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
