I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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