I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
