I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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