I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have aggressive nipples.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
