Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
