pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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