my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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