I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
