I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
