so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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