A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
