It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This baby is an asshole
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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