U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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