Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
