rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
